A list of 'shoulds'

Recently i've felt like a hamster running around in a wheel but never seeming to get anywhere. I've had endless to-do lists, ticking one thing off only to find that another thing has been added to my list. I feel drained and run down, which is probably why on Friday I lost my voice and i'm now suffering with a chest infection. My body has made me stop because I was pusing myself too hard. It's a pattern in my life, I push myself too hard, get ill and have to stop, vow never to do it again, then recover and the cycle begins once more. I'm a compulsive overworker, I constantly try and squeeze a little bit more out of my day, the phrase "i'll just do this" is a recurring thought and I constantly fill my days with a list of 'shoulds'. In the process of doing this i'm so busy ticking off things from my list that I don't actually live my life and savour it.

It didn't actually hit me what an ingrained problem this was until a recent fallout with my partner where she claimed that I constantly tell her what to do - "you need to do this, you need to do that", she threw at me. It was only when I tried to explain to her that I wasn't ordering her around, I was only offering up suggestions that I realised there may be a problem - telling someone what they "need" or "should" do is very different from making suggestions in a "how about trying/doing this" kind of way. I use exactly the same phrases for myself, when planning my days they consist of "shoulds" and "needs", they're quite forceful words, I need to be gentler with myself and others.

This morning I woke up with a feeling that I need to change. I guess that the fallout along with being ill has opened my eyes and made me realise that my expectations of myself (and others) are too high and whilst I have recently felt snowed under with a massive workload, part of that pressure has been self-inflicted. From today I will try to slow down and try and live more consciously, the days are whizzing by and they shouldn't be. I'll try to be gentler with myself and rein myself back in when I start composing my list of 'shoulds'.

Hello 2012

Happy New Year! I can't believe that Christmas has been and gone and the New Year is here already. There always seems to be a bit of a lull at this time of year, my mood drops slightly and I become more aware of the post-Christmas void, the low after the high perhaps. I usually use this time for quiet reflection and give myself time to focus on what I want to bring into my life in the year ahead. For the past few years i've chosen a focus word for the year, a sort of affirmation of what I bring into my life. 2011's word was 'growth' which seemed to fit perfectly with the events of the year. For 2012 my affirmative word will be 'peace', not just in the sense of being emotionally at peace with things but also bringing peace to all areas of my life - I will create a peaceful, clutter free home and try and create some peaceful quiet time for myself on a daily basis, meaning less time online reading other peoples blogs and facebooking and more time spent quietly reading, improving my space and focussing on my own life. I suppose what i'm yearning for is a period of withdrawal and some time to retreat into my own space, even the thought of it fills me with a fuzzy feeling of warmth so I know i'm on the right track.



I think all that s left to do this evening is to curl up with a good book, bliss.

Photo Reflections Day 15

Today I have finally finished icing the xmas cakes. It was my first attempt at making them and I made 5 which, on reflection, was slightly ambitious. However, they're Christmas gifts and i'm sure that they'll be appreciated by my family. I haven't tried any yet so i'm keeping my fingers crossed that they taste ok. They've been 'doctored' with brandy over the past couple of months so if nothing else hopefully they'll make people slightly merry! And yes, your eyes aren't deceiving you. the one above does have two 'Merry Christmas' greetings on it, it's actually a rather large cake and is going to be shared between my Mum and Nanna. Hope they enjoy it!

Photo Reflections Day 14

I was invited for tea at my Mum's last night, it was lovely to sit around the table as a family and just chat, sharing good food and sipping tea. Tonight I feel slightly under the weather, I think i'm coming down with the lurgey, so i'm tucked up under my blanket with a hot water bottle watching The Hours. It's an amazing film, filled with so much emotion, it always takes my breath away. I wont give the plot away, all i'll say is that it's 3 stories beautifully merged into one, if you get the chance to watch it then I recommend that you do.

Photo Reflections Day 13

Today i'm dreaming of sunnier days, days when I don't leave for work and come home in the dark, days when I can get out in the garden for an hour or so after work and when I can let the chooks have a roam around. I love the opportunity to snuggle up in winter and the gentle glow of christmas tree lights but i'd still like to odd day of summer light and heat every now and again. Today i'm missing summer and looking at my garden pics from this year makes me miss it even more. For the moment I need to be content with my hot water bottle and snuggle blanket.

Photo Reflections Day 12

I missed yesterday's post as I was invited out for tea and then came home and got snuggled up in bed, it was blissful not to have to think about doing any work on an evening for a change. This evening is another fairly chilled out night, i've done my work and i'm now relaxing with a Guinness. It brings back memories of being a student and sitting around huge 'beer keg' tables in my local Irish bar, with good friends and lots of merry banter. I miss those carefree days and would love to try and recapture that feeling on a daily basis, the first step right now is to relax with a Guinness, lush.

Photo Reflections Day 10 and 11

It's been a busy but fun weekend. My partner came over and we cooked ourselves a Christmas dinner as we wont be able to spend Christmas day together. We put the tree up and exchanged gifts (the tree is absolutely gorgeous, this photograph really doesn't do it justice). We did plan to cut the cake that we decorated together but we were so stuffed that we really couldn't manage any (can you tell that we made the icing too runny?). I'm sure i'll enjoy a slice or two before she comes to stay again on the 27th.